All posts filed under: Being

Lately … 09.15.2015

Lately I’ve been having lots of random thoughts that are good fodder for posts. In turn I have ended up only building my drafts folder with single lined entries, but can my excuse this time be that it’s been my birthday week – come on, the best ones are always celebrated over several days – so there’s no chance I could’ve sat down long enough to develop anything substantial?  Your ongoing forbearance, dear reader, can be your gift to me. Lately … I have been thinking: On getting anything done: I’m not overwhelmed, I’m just underfocused. On drawing, fiddling with a piano tune, etc etc: I’m not as bad as I thought, just not as wonderful as I’d wished. On kids: I’m having a love-hate relationship with kids lately. I adore them, from a distance. Someone told me it may be a coping mechanism… Either that or I’m just a b*+€h. On making green smoothies: By now you’d think I’ve got these down to a science. Makes sense because lately they taste like a laboratory experiment. On …

The Space Between A and Z

Today I woke up eager to doodle.  It is a nice feeling to have that urgency for activity back again.  Since the weekend hit, I’ve been excited about jumping out of bed and getting my hands busy in preparation for a new project. I am even blogging again, starting with an ongoing short Summer Stories series to catch you all up on what’s been up with me (gasp!!!).  Might I even start writing Snippets weekly again?  Oh my goodness, we shall see!!! I have lately been playing with doodles in a sketchbook, something I used to do in childhood, and focused on years later the summer of ’01 in an art program in Marin.  I never shared my figure drawings nor student portraiture outside of class thinking they were so mediocre compared to real art from legitimate artists. I made the amateur mistake of comparing my summer-old beginning to another’s decades-long career middle.   I don’t want to make that mistake anymore. It’s not like I aspired to be a professional artist, and see now that instead of dropping it altogether, I could have kept drawing as my instructor …

Summer Stories 2

Click to read Summer Stories 1 here. I am great at packing as long as I can bring everything with me. If that means checking two bags instead of one, or jamming an extra pair of shoes and another sweater into my personal item so my carry on isn’t too heavy, I will be fine. In the case of my summer story, I did all of that, plus sent a heavy box via media mail days before lift off. Though I had a couple of days to prepare before heading away for the summer,  I didn’t pack my suitcases until the final few hours before leaving.  A girl can learn a lot about herself when she is prepping to be away from her day to day life. In my mind, I needed very little.  All I cared about were the essentials. Absolute essentials. When faced with having to decide on what things are most important to us, we hear things like “photographs, my mother’s this, my father’s that.” Since I wasn’t just going on a trip, but taking an indefinite amount of time …

Summer Stories  1

At the end of last year I felt a pebble in my shoe, but thought nothing of it. The new year started off like any other, welcoming 2015 with little fan fare. No big trips planned, no milestones up the road, and nothing of immediate note in the horizon that might add strain or stress. That being said, I rolled through the first month just fine, but starting in February, I felt an emotional sensation similar to being repeatedly poked. I’d oddly twitch while standing still and feel digs in my side while in motion. That tiny pebble was still in my shoe, annoying me with each step, so to speak. Not at all physical, they were those nagging gut feelings you have, those whispers in the back of your mind that become very loud the moment you try to get very quiet. “Go away!”  I’d say to these irritants, “It’s all in my head,” I told myself point blank, “This is nothing.”  There is something I call the negative side of optimism, when a normally positive person like me shakes things off …

A Letter to My Future Self

To:  Me, June 30, 2016 From:  Me  June 30, 2015 This is not a letter to tell you what goals I have for the year ahead.  This isn’t a letter to tell you how much hope I am putting into you.  This letter is to tell you that the woman I am today already knows the time is now.  The time is not tomorrow.  The time wasn’t yesterday. I want to tell you, my 2016 self, that I have devoured countless books, listened to hours of podcasts, watched miles of video footage, and had many a heartfelt conversation that have covered twists and turns of my psyche and heart only to tell me in the end that the future doesn’t hold anything that today does not.  The future gleams bright for no woman who doesn’t take polish to silver every day. Without daily steps in 2015 to cultivate and care for a life well lived, 2016 will be nothing but a sad version of something that was once beautiful. One of my best friends since early adolescence is now very ill.  Please tell …

Momentary Silence

Watching Listening Reading Doodling Waiting Sometimes there is no way to explain the need for momentary silence, but I wanted to at least acknowledge mine.  I am still here, just silent for now, but I am keeping in touch via my Instagram while engaging in commenting and reading other blogs in the meantime.  I also have been writing a lot of letters . . . a lot of them. Head up.  Head down. Can’t do both at once, but in the meantime one can also strive ahead.

Sometimes I Really Exhaust Myself

The thing is … I get so excited about things and then I do it intensely without taking a break much less eat breakfast or lunch, and before I know it I CRASH.  Usually around this time, 4 o’clock or so.  I already know this is not a sustainable way to work.  I already am convinced that working on my projects this way shoots my adrenals way up high. But I cannot stop myself sometimes, and I just need to keep on going. I love for example, a print, and everywhere I go I look for it. I saw a vintage print of vegetables in a home boutique and everywhere afterwards  I saw stacks of vegetables in frames, paintings of vegetables and books about vegetables.  I stumbled upon covers of magazines and lead stories online featuring the season’s vegetables. There were cards with vegetables at the hardware store, ceramic replicas of vegetables and aprons with vegetables, farmer’s markets that I am compelled to walk through just to touch the vegetables.   I want to see the farmers with their gritty …

Unpacked

I spent the weekend away at camp with the Texas Style Council.  Knowing the vibe would be low key with an agenda focused on content, there was no room for frivolity, just creation and planning.  Only the essentials were needed, plus a few back up items, and yet I packed … a lot. Thank goodness we each had our own corners in our cabin rooms.  With three roommates, I thought, Alright, I will keep my shiz in order.  I will not make a mess.  There is no reason to have to throw things here there and everywhere…. and yet… I did. Of course I couldn’t find my flashlight without pulling out all of my t shirts.  Naturally I had all of my toiletries packed in my compartmentalized vanity kit, yet the pot of gloss I wanted was at the bottom of my hand carry: under the jacket, beneath the books, nested between charging cords, next to my Popchips bag that had lost all of its ‘pop’.  It was as if I’d packed breadcrumbs as a snack. At …

Virgo

I sound slightly controlling and suspicious.  I blame it on the Virgo in me.  I am not a ‘perfectionist’ Virgo.  If I were a perfectionist I’d have better handwriting and probably not walk around town with my fly down like I did over the weekend or with my pants on backwards like I did the month before. I am a ‘particular’ Virgo. I am a Virgo who is  appreciative of order understood in her way, according to her own rules. I am particular with things making sense to me in a specific manner fitting nicely together in a puzzle that I can understand. This doesn’t mean to say I am not spontaneous and often impulsive. Spontaneous with predicted (hopeful) outcomes and impulses that maintain my boundaries are the best kind. So embarrassed but if I can’t admit my quirks to you here and now, dear readers, then when will I? Photo Source: Zelma Rose Zodiac Constellation Necklaces

Spring Forward

Hanging on to time. Image source here Welcome to the new layout of my blog, Even If Nobody Reads This.  There is still work to be done, but waiting for perfection won’t bring me any closer to it, but I am very happy with it already, especially having done it primarily myself and with the help of course, of Husband.  It’s been time for a redesign.   And it’s time to share it with you. For the past week I have been combing through all of my posts since starting this online journal in 2010,  and have been organizing them into updated categories in order to clarify the tone and unity among some posts.  I finally added an ABOUT ME section holding my picture and name.  I am including my PO Box and email address clearly on the footer of the Home page & within the About page.  This is basic for the elementary blogger, but huge for me. I’ve written semi anonymously for a very long time, so for those who know me and have followed Even If Nobody Reads This, it’s not surprising that this is a …