Sometimes I wish I were that girl who didn’t make the right choices. It is so much easier to be the one who does what she wants and doesn’t think about consequences or other people. Life appears smoother to the one who never needs to wonder about long term consequences, never feeling the responsibility to positively affect change in the world, or wish to be more in touch with her higher being. I wish being my higher being or best self didn’t involve having to make hard ass choices.I wish it were easier for me to turn a blind eye … to say to hell with it. I am thankful though, that I do think bigger than myself.
Nobody said it was going to be easy. So I need to stop being surprised when it isn’t. Making hard ass choices cause us to question our values. They challenge our conviction. They make our shoulders feel lighter, but make our chests close up, and make it hard to breathe. Making hard choices that are good for us sometimes makes it hard to get out of bed, but once we are up and willing to start the day, there is a clearer path leading us out the door.There is the sound of birds chirping and sunlight outside of this house. The birds are calling to tell me it’s safe to come out and the sun tells me I will get the nourishment I need when I emerge. After all, the light always shines through if you let it.
Lately I have felt very afraid that I am constantly messing up. I have taken for granted that I have free will and may do with this life as I wish, that I have always lived it the way I have wanted to, and that has always involved making hard decisions leading up to good choices in the long run. I must not forget that when I have failed to make the right choice, life always came around and gave me another chance to make a better one.
I can’t be certain whether or not I am ever going to feel like I am spending enough time with my mother. I am not ever going to know how much more emotionally ready I need to be to dive back into trying for a family again. I am not convinced that turning left at my latest fork in the road is where I should go, but for now, in my heart and in my head, I know that this choice is the right one.
Nobody said any of this was going to be easy. Nobody told me that I should expect to write regularly while transitioning into our new normal. Nobody promised that my cheeks would not be tear stained every other day nor that I wouldn’t feel too exhausted to sleep each night. Nobody said that choosing the best thing is the same as doing the logical thing. Nobody said I wouldn’t question this logic for days to come.
But… nobody stated any reason why after making hard ass choices that we cannot come out the other end better than we are, and stronger than we thought. Spring always comes after winter. And we all know winter is never easy.
Featured image taken by Anne Weil ; text by BP via StudioDesign.