Being
Comments 23

I Know What It Is Like to Cry

I know what it is like to cry.  I know what it is like to have a good ugly Claire Danes style snotfest watching The Notebook on a mid afternoon flight.  I know what it is like to cry quiet disappointed tears, curled in the fetal position with my head in my husband’s lap.  I know what it is like to cry tears of joy greeting my mom at the airport.   I know what it is like to cry from laughing so hard with a girlfriend that we forget to breathe.  I know what it is like to cry after saying good bye to a loved one for the last time. I know what it is like to cry sympathetic tears for someone unable to cry on his own.   I am quite the crier.  I think it comes with the territory when you love big, you just feel many emotions in a very big way too. And now, after Friday night, I know what it is like to cry from being overwhelmingly thankful.

I finally participated in the Alt Summit Conference for four days where my main goal in Salt Lake City (okay, second goal, because the first was to meet Garance Doré) was to determine whether or not there is a place for  my writing, interests, and personality in this modern industry.  This is a full text, personal narrative blog after all.  Though I like travel, art, entertaining, fashion, cooking, home decor, kids and crafting too, it is not what this space is about.  I thought I had already come to terms with this two years ago in my post here.  Online and offline, I like knowing I am relatable with my friends and people I just happen to meet. In becoming an active participant in this fantastic blogging world, my vision is to be a venue for humor, introspection, honesty and sisterhood as a writer.  I want to play a role in supporting positive conversations, a feeling of community, and making great things happen.  It isn’t a far fetched vision, is it?  Aren’t we all looking to feel connected?  Isn’t it what we need?

At the end of a seriously funny evening with the Deemanator, Burning Girl, and Fred at the Friday Night mini parties, I crawled into my bed with a smile on my face but within a minute started to cry.  During thoughtful conversations and impromptu brainstorming with many I admire,  the possibilities for making accessible change happen was suddenly within reach.  I boldly approached more than a few bloggers I wanted to meet and was so excited that yes, in real life, we ARE best friends (no restraining orders please, I promise not to hug you a third time).  Amidst fortuitous interactions with those I now adore,  a stranger one moment can become an old chum the next, because my personality  and how I write resonates so naturally with her.  I saw the intersection of the person I have always wanted to be and the woman I already am right in front of me.  The road sign reads,

“Move straight ahead.  All you need is to be you, and you will get there soon enough.  Oh, and by the way, yes, you have been on the right road all along.”   Now I know what it is like to have that kind of cry where I feel both excited and sorry, while confident yet humbled, because I discovered that who I am and the vision I have had for myself are one in the same.  The two have just been waiting for me to stop crying those kinds of resistant, fearful, fruitless tears that we all cry when we undermine our confidence and visions of ourselves.  Once we stop crying that way, we can see that the crossing paths of here and there is just ahead.I know what it is like to cry those tears of relief as I learn that my mythical intersection is no longer a myth.

Yes, this is my first fancy quote graphic!  Thanks StudioDesign!  by BP
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23 Comments

  1. This just made me so happy for you as I sit here trying to mull through hateful feelings towards marriage, a cry of a totally different kind. Everything will be alright I'm sure, it's just those moments where you feel big and hard and you happen to be feeling the big and hard stuff instead of the tender stuff that must be around the corner.

    Anyway, I'm so glad you went there and i'm so glad you found all sorts of acceptance and warmth. I'm intimidated by that and groups and the worry of cliques, though I don't really know why when I've found bloggers like you who clearly aren't like that. I'm just so glad you are on your path and you know it's the one. ❤

  2. My gosh, one of my best friends and I were talking about those big hard feelings as wives just last month as she cried with me over the phone. Such a yin and yang to it, right? I completely understand you and I almost put in a reference to that here but maybe I didn't because you were meant to bring it up, Christina.
    Alt SLC was a really fun and supportive environment full of ideas, creativity and enthusiasm. There were certainly a ton of people that can intimidate and overwhelm even the friendliest of us. I found myself looking at some people but not approaching them because I didn't want to seem too forward, but on the other hand there were others with whom an instant connection was felt and that I think, is what you will enjoy when we eventually meet each other and more new friends at another one.
    Thank you for the note, Christina! It really made my morning to hear from you. Smiling ear to ear 😉

  3. Hello Amy! You should! I know how interesting you will find it, as the environment is unlike any other

  4. Sounds like a nice catharsis! I'm sorry I missed Alt myself. I didn't think to go until I was watching it happen on my feeds and thinking I was stupid to have not gone. That I missed out on what you found. I can't beat myself up about it. And I know what you mean about knowing every type of cry from loving big. Hell, some times I swear I cry just because I haven't cried in a while and it needs to get out.

  5. That you and I are in the same way and place couldn't be more true. And I need a Hallelujah and I'll be your witness that being us is all we ever needed to be. We just needed the permission. I so wished I'd been there at Alt SLC, yet, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I can be happy you went for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart BP for getting there and getting “it”.
    Love Ya',
    Shalagh

  6. Hey BP! I loved reading how ALT changed your perspective of yourself. How empowering and exciting! I am proud of you and glad you put yourself out there and had a blast doing it. So, did you meet Garance?? Can't wait to read/watch you grow in 2014!

  7. Aww! You are so welcome. And let me tell you, you are the ONLY blogger I come back to to see your responses to comments. I just always forget others. And I'm so glad that I'm not the only one with those big hard feelings. Because gosh they suck. I'm trying to get a post together about it, but it's one that I really want to do right without too much drama or worry or judgement.

    And I'm so glad ALT went beautifully. I would really, really love to go, but I also feel like I need to get to a more routined place of blogging. I either need to commit and go a little more forcefully forward, or not invest too much money and time. And I really believe I would like to invest more but it's just making it happen. And meet we will. Maybe even next year. 🙂

  8. Hi Jill! I missed ALT SF last year because I just wasn't able to get a ticket – talk about tears of frustration then! I guess it all happens in good time though, right? It did for me, and it WILL for you. 😉 Thanks for stopping by and sending me a comment! Fellow criers unite!!!!

  9. Thank you, Jen! And to think I very nearly cancelled. Thank you for the support and for sharing in my happiness!

  10. oh wow, Shalagh, we are all so alike in many ways, all going through the same emotions and questions together, and wonderfully we all go through the same feelings of victory and joy when one of us succeeds and for that, well, how can any of us not be thankful? Let ME thank YOU for being there with me and for sharing your sentiments here too.

  11. Hey RS! It was gr8 for sure & meeting Garance was everything I imagined! So inspired for 2014! Let's do it together!

  12. Hi Bobbie, So good to be reading this. I feel like of all people I saw at Alt, you managed to make the very most of it. I was inspired at how you seized the day. You are so warm and welcoming, it is easy to feel at ease with you. So glad I was able to spend time with you. And, yes, “you” are just right! xo anne

  13. Hi Anne! I was apprehensive about going at first, but once I arrived at ALT, something clicked. Between the creative new friends we made to genuinely enjoying what there was to be had, I guess you could say nothing else made sense but to just dive in, have a nice time, and learn as much as I could from where I am right now. Sharing that with you was great. I am very grateful with how my experience went and for finding good people like you to be on this journey with! Your comment is so kind. I really am touched. Thanks so much, Anne!

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