I should stop blowing myself off.  It’s tiresome.  Putting aside things thinking that time is on my side and that any plans I have can afford to wait is starting to get dicey.  I need to save dicey for other things that have a return on investment that exceeds far beyond simply feeling lazy.  If it’s dicey it should be delicious, but wasting time only leaves a bad taste in my mouth- the kind of taste that tells me I just pissed away another 48 hours.  Not appetizing.  Marie Forleo, whose videos I devour on line, touched on the four things really productive people do every day.   The last tip she touched on was how productive people do not blow themselves off.  They make time.   Of course they do.  That’s why they are productive.  I wonder if they keep lists like I do.  If I list my things to do in my head, and I allow them to live there, do they not, categorically still exist?Is it a sign that I am simultaneously drawn to and frightened by colorful To Do lists and get $h!t Done stationery?  I received a beautifully letter pressed set of 2014 goal setting cards for AltSummit 2014 which are too nice to write on, in my opinion.  I am not huge on “a new year, a new you” nor do I make resolution lists.  Though I blow myself off, I at least try not to wait for the ball to drop New Year’s Day before I get going.  I recently pointed out to Soul Cycle that all day, every day, I think constantly and feel deeply.  I am 24/7 going over things in my head, processing, evaluating and living.  Because of this, I told her, it seldom snowballs until I am crying on line at Trader Joe’s to buy my Inner Peas.

Just because I am thinking of things and knowing what I need to get done, doesn’t mean I actually do it,  if you hadn’t already noticed.  I am very good, it would appear, at blowing myself off.  For the past two months, all I seemed to do is blow myself off, put on blinders, and go the Scarlett O’Hara route of “thinking about it tomorrow.”My mom is getting older.  She is still lovely.  She is still beautiful.  She is still loving.  She is still giving.  But slowly, ever so slowly, we are starting to lose her.  This is something that breaks my heart.  This is something I know is happening, but really haven’t wanted to think about til tomorrow, until the day after that, and the next day after that, and the next day, and the next day.But while on my trip to see her, husband and I were steeped in reality, and that reality was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  So in that case, finally, I decided to stop blowing that part of my life, of our future, off.There were some big things I had planned for the end of this year, and bigger things for the start of next year to kick off, what could be the start of something really big for me.  But none of this will happen until I make the commitment to avoid the big blow off, instead of avoiding my new normal.

Isn’t it peculiar that you can be fully equipped, map and all, new colorful pens, new contacts, lots of opportunity ahead of you, and then Scarlett O’Hara seduces you back to bed, telling you to think about it tomorrow?  I wish it were easier to tell Miss Scarlett that I don’t give a damn.