Something occurred to me. I decided to cut back at work, from full time to heavy part time two years ago, and now from heavy to light part time starting this week. I can’t explain to you what is meant by heavy part time, if only to say, imagine being in the same place you meant to leave in order to get some head space and to make room for big changes in your life, only to still be there, two years later, not doing your old job at 40 hours, but doing bits and pieces of six other ones instead, with the same emotional and mental intensity that burns out your adrenals 30 hours a week. Imagine self inflicting guilt on yourself to stay. Imagine a trusted ivy league educated therapist who has worked with you once a week for three years reflecting back to you your own words describing an unconscious desire to move on from this job… but still staying. Yeah…. crazy.
So this week I am giving myself a break and raising the white flag. It is hard to admit when something so comfortable no longer fits. It is terrifying to have to go back in the dressing room to try on new styles and unknown brands of jeans with a blindfold on, just trusting that you’ll emerge wearing the one that flatters you most.
I take full responsibility for my choices. I understand that only I can stand in my way. I completely get that if I do not actually limit my time at this part time job I will never have the time or reason to move ahead, and if I remain too afraid to move ahead, I will always be slightly less happy with myself each day and a little bit closer to taking it out on a giant f*%king cookie. I think taking the time to not be so crazy should count for something.
|Kristen Wiig-ging out in BRIDESMAIDS… it’s too good|